The Freedom To Be Yourself – The Feelings Trap
Before you read this, take a long, slow, deep breath. Exhale slowly, and then answer this question:
What, exactly, are you feeling?
Right. This. Very. Moment.
Whatever it is, you are feeling an emotion – an involuntary response to something that happens in your life.
Contrary to what you may have been told, you can’t command yourself to feel something. And nor can you regiment your emotions so that they will appear according to plan.
One of the most insidious snares anyone can fall into in life is when they attempt to make themselves be something they aren’t so that they will feel something they don’t.
You’ll realize you are caught in that trap when you try to deny your bad feelings – such as fear, guilt, jealousy or hate – or when you try to force yourself to feel good about someone or something that doesn’t make you feel good.
A father who works 16 hours a day for a six figure income but has to keep telling himself that this is what he always really wanted, even though it makes him feel empty. The woman who wonders why she isn’t happy when she finally achieved all she thought she wanted – a husband, two children, a Golden Retriever, and new granite countertops. The person who finishes University, realizes they have absolutely no interest in the subject of their degree, but takes a job hoping they will find fulfillment.
Each and every person can so easily step into the snare of attempting to live a life we have been told should make us happy. And when it doesn’t, we often attempt to force our emotions to respond. Or, we stifle and repress them by any means possible.
You know you are unfree emotionally when you try to deny your bad feelings, or when you hold back tears because ‘you’re not a cryer’. When you stuff your anger and tell yourself you shouldn’t feel that way.
Happiness is the purpose of your actions – the result you hope to achieve when you act. But happiness is an emotion. You can’t turn it on or off at will – it is an involuntary response to the conditions of your life at any given moment.
And what makes you happy is unique – like almost everything about you.
If you attempt to define and engineer your emotions based on someone else’s preconceived notions, you’ll be living a lie and will have fallen into a nasty pit. You’ll know you’re trapped when you decide you should admire someone “everyone knows” is cool. Or when you believe you should “like” a relative who actually creeps you out. Or when you believe you should love your job – even if there’s nothing lovable about it. Or when you continue to do something long after you’ve stopped finding it rewarding. Or if you’re bored by just about everything – the surest indicator that you’ve lost touch with your emotions.
Most people are capable of rich, deep and powerful emotions, and therefore have the potential for deep and resilient happiness. But they’ve stifled themselves in futile attempts at being what they’ve been told they should be.
Coming from a guy who has had to work hard at re-connecting with his emotions at times in his life, here are a few things I’ve picked up along the way that might help you on your journey towards freedom:
1) Take Notes. As you go through your day, keep a little pad and a pencil handy. Set your watch or your PDA to go off every hour or so. When it does, grab the pencil and finish this sentence: Right now I feel …
2) Ask yourself how often you feel really raw, visceral emotions – sadness, anger, joy, excitement. Where in your body do you feel them?
3) Sit Down And Swim. I like to think of music as liquid emotion. Hunt down some powerful music that emotionally moves you. Get in a quiet place, put on your headphones, and get into it.
4) Use a Lifeline. Find a trusted friend or two and give them permission to ask you those uncomfortable ‘feelings’ questions.
5) Debrief, Soldier. After you have a conversation with someone, try to determine how sensitive you were to their emotions. Can you answer the question “How do you think they were feeling?”
6) Get Down and Give Yourself 10. If you’re feeling a particular emotion acutely, especially if it isn’t pleasant, set a ten minute timer. Every time it goes off, ask yourself how the emotion has changed. Has it gotten stronger, or weaker? Become aware of the fact that if there’s one thing true about feelings, its that they change. This is also a particularly powerful way to deal with cravings.
As you practice these points, remember that connecting with your emotions is the first step towards mental freedom. And over time it will become natural, even easy to read your emotions and make adjustments that result in personal happiness.
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How soon will you update your blog? I’m interested in reading some more information on this issue.